Two weeks ago, I released RPG Tycoon out of Early Access after almost two years of full-time development to a mostly positive reception and fortunately, enough sales to allow me to sustain self-employment and avoid getting a real job for a while. (I’m going to write a full post-mortem of the game and process in an article on the Skatanic Studios blog sometime soon)
After fighting the initial waves of post-release support that was needed to iron out any crazy bugs or issues that slipped under the radar before launch, I eventually found myself at a point a few days ago where I felt completely lost. Incomplete and without purpose, motivation or drive. It was, in it’s purest form, a feeling of depression and a feeling I recognised because something similar occurred a few days after the Premiere of What Goes Up. This was a project that although I was incredibly proud of, the year long post-production process I rather negatively endured meant that I was quite glad to see the end of working on it. Yet somehow, I still managed to get the feeling of loss afterwards. If it wasn’t for the fact that I was also working on RPG Tycoon at the time, perhaps that feeling would have been as amplified as it currently is.
It’s a difficult feeling to put into words, and I’m told by some of my more experienced friends in the Industry that it’s quite common to feel this way after release. After all, it makes sense after waking up each day for the past two years of your life and working on something, having direction, focus and an end goal to work towards. To feel lost when you wake up one day and no longer have that anymore, right? I can only equate it to what it felt like after finishing University and moving back home again or what I imagine it feels like for a parent to have their child leave home after watching them grow up for 18 years or so. (Though maybe that’s worse/more difficult, I don’t know)
I’m a very work oriented and creatively focused person, I like making things and I like having lists, tasks and routines to stick to. It’s what helps keep me going when I’m not motivated and something to fall back on during the days when I have little inspiration. I would always look at the list and just do the next thing. “At least you’re moving forward” “At least something is getting done”. When that list runs out however, the feeling of “Incomplete Completion” takes over… Now what?
It’s weird, because there’s a lot of things I want to do next but right now I have zero motivation to do any of them. The thought of getting stuck into another project for another two years is unfathomable and makes it very tricky to get excited again. I’m also acutely aware that GDC is around the corner, followed by a few other things and a possible move during March/April, so the idea of getting stuck into anything else right now is less than appealing because I wouldn’t be able to fully commit. I also have the weight of making the “right” decision as to what to do next, if my desire to grow my company and sustain my career in games is anything to go by, I want to be sure whatever I commit to spending my time on people will actually want to buy, that’s always an ongoing concern.
So loss and fears for the future are driving lack of enthusiasm. I have a few things I’m playing around with, there’s a few things I want to do with RPG Tycoon over the next couple of months and I’m learning C# / moving to Unity for any future projects, but it’s just a gradual process at the moment. I need to recharge and re-motivate and hopefully GDC will help do that, but morale and motivation is low right now.
Fortunately, I’ve made a List of games in my Steam library that need completing so I think I’ll take care of that for a while.